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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem