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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.