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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%