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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.