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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.