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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.