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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.