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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.