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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?