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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.