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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty