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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.