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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My body needs a refresh button.