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I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I want to sleep tighter
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?