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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.