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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.