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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
You had me at 0 mutual friends