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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords