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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.