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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.