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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?