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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge