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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
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Not so great minds also think alike.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.