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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%