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Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Smelling another person should be a choice.