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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...