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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.