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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I’m tired of things costing money.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it