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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.