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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.