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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I forgot to post this earlier
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.