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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”