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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.