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You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.