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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."