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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.