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Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"