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Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.