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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.