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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.