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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich