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I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.