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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...