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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.