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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.