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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business