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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.