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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.