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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...