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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.