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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Do bees even have knees?
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.