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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!