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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."