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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. Iām always trying to pull a fast one
Iām sad when my food is over.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.