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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.