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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.