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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."