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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list