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Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
exercise........you mean extra fries
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.