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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??