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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
In space they just call it "Jam"
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.