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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.