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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M