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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.