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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.