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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I`m sure the fellow below don`t have big feet :(
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.