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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!