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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”