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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people