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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.