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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything