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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"