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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook
I fake my lol`s