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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.