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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...