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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.