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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.